Letters you might get from your tenants

The following are said to be genuine letters sent to landlords by their tenants - you have been warned.

• "The toilet is blocked and we can't bathe the children until it is cleaned"
• "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door"
• "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off"
• "The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?"
• "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall"
• "Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it"
• "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen"
• "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces"
• "The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous"
• "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant"
• "Will you please send someone to look at my water. It is funny-coloured and not fit to drink"
• "When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy"
• "Will you please send a man to repair my down spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away"
• "Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us"
• "I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at five-thirty his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much"

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